Hello, I love you

I am waiting for someone to make me feel alive again.

That's how I used to think anyway. That I'm not whole or relevant without someone breathing into me. Dust, ya' know? Do you understand what that is like? To spend your time, all your days, waiting for someone outside of your being to make you alive? You probably do. I felt that way about a boy, once upon a time. I felt that way about a God. About church, Art, (Art), friends, family, an empty page and a bottle of ink. I felt that way once.

That was not so long ago, and the road is long and winding. But. But, I need exactly me. I am who I was meant to be. People, faith, relationships help build you, aim you toward discoveries. But I am convinced that these discoveries would be made one way or another. You are who you are meant to become. I know that sounds selfish and that is not my intent. Of course I love those relationships, of course I adore my people and they have given me everything, shaped every smile and quirk and tear and wrinkle. And I owe them for it, but I think we may have been meant to become who we are anyhow. Is this faithless? Is this reminisent of a belief in pre-destiny? I don't know. All I'm completly aware of is that I am going to need only me for now. Not to say I don't need the others, I certainly do, but I don't need them in order to be me. Yep, this is the plan. Yep, this is a lie. Probably...

So, I've been thinking and pondering and pandering lately and it turns out that the majority of my friends (who are my age) are getting married. Or are at least in serious, committed, we'll-be-married-by-the-end-of-the-year type relationships. Which is great.

If you're into that sort of thing.

The turning point of this here blog happens now, as it turns out, I am, in fact, not into that sort of thing. Not at all.
However,

it does make one think about thier own dubious relationship status when everyone around you is seeking lifelong bliss thru holy matrimony.

Don't get me wrong, I've nothing against marriage, I've only a few things against 'love' and I've zero against tax breaks. But, if that's the headliner on why I want a relationship, well, I may need to re-think things.

I was facebooking, like you do, and I happened upon an old flame, as it were, who just got married. Honeymoon in the bahamas and everything. Such a dream. For me, it turns out to be only the stuff of pipes. This kid, (let's pretend you don't know him) was supposed to lead me around on the white sandy beaches of "Sandals Resort". HAHAHA. Thank God for those small blessings, eh?

Anyway, all these folks are pairing off, and while I don't think there's anything wrong with me, I do wonder what all the fuss is about.

Mi mi mi mind

I've been doing a lot of sitting on the balcony and thinking today. It's so so nice out. No humidity for once this summer. So, I've been sitting and thinking and writing and napping. All good things. My head is getting a littler clearer for it, and my heart a little lighter.
I try to keep things pretty surface over here at Special Homecoming Outlaws, I need some lightness in my world of words, so I'll try not to go into too much right now.
But
Sitting in the sun and thinking about the coincidences in the past couple of days in my life has really, really, I don't know, given me something. I'm not sure what this is. Good, I think, but unusual. I've made some pretty shoddy decisions lately, and said some pretty stupid things, which I regret. In the moments that they're are said or done, it doesn't seem to matter, like it's some alternative world and I will in no way be held responsible for my actions. My words.
Which is a shame because it's a lie. And a waste of perfectly good words. As Hope would say, 'it's like the words are dying...' oh emo.

I really am getting better. The cold jealousy that starts in your belly and runs to your heart, that's going away. I'm feeling much less like a gutted fish when I look at you. My face no longer burns with what I want to say and my heart has stopped skipping when you walk into the room.

I know now that I love him, but no more than I've ever loved the others. And while that could be quite a bit,

it's not.