canvas

Tonight I missed out on having a fun time with my friends. This is regrettable. I am sorry because I do now think that every moment with these people is a HUGE gift, and I'm sorry, I just wasn't in the mood to open presents tongiht. So, I came home and painted instead. There's more pigment on the floor and my hands than on the canvas, but all in all I think it was a success. So far, s'not done. But I feel better for getting whatever it was out.

I know friends want to be there for eachother. I know that I would do anything ANYTHING for my friends, but sometimes I just don't want to be like this around them. I mean, I'd rather not feel this way at all, so I try to limit other people's exposure to my moodiness. I take comfort in the sentiment, but I don't want to take advantage. Square? Golden.

and for no apparent reason:

"I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind. So, you're gone and I'm haunted and I'll bet that you are just fine. Do I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?...I'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be? Should have known you'd bring me heartache."

Petition the Lord with Prayer

You really have to hear it 'live' for it to be any good.
Am I really doing this again? I'm doing this again. Awe-some.
I don't think anyone comoletely grasps the power of that word. Awesome. Have I ever really been in awe of something or someone? I think so. Take a guess at what/who. If you know me at all, AT ALL, you know the answer. 'Show me the way to the next whiskey bar, oh, don't ask why, oh, don't ask why. If we don't find the way to the next whiskey bar, I tell you we must die. I tell you we must die.' If you can't place it, you fail.
I'm doing this again?
I now must say goodbye.

Scream with me now,
scream my love,
my love
let the notes swell from your throat,
the noise escape your lungs
Scream w. me now my loves
my boy
my girl
scream to the sky
you dont need to understand
dont pretend to understand
we are dogs
creatures biting
at sister earth's ankles
rope her in
tie her down
scream for generations
howl for blood
scream w. me now
w. me now
w. me now
howl howl howl
w. me now.

They're here to protect you

"If you think I am capable to doing something that terrible to someone I love, imagine what I'm capable of doing to you."

Monogram

Monograms on my towels.
These are not my initails.
Who is this, in my home
stealing from my lowly throne?

These things are mine
These toys in line
Marching onward, ho!
Keys in backs powered not by springs
but wine,
heavy fruit laden vine
wraps like infant snake
covering my ineptitude.
Onward, ho!

Monkeys banging cymbals
hop west
leaving craters with their footsteps,
making me crawl behind the giants
while the snake grows teeth in place of gums

All I'm asking is to be true
when i stop,
quit, loving you.
'Cause when we got old
You got saved
and i?
-i just got cold

There Will Be Blood

...watch it immediately. Then come discuss pretentious filmmaking qualities with me.

"I have a competition in me. I want no one else to succeed. I hate most people....There are times when I look at people and I see nothing worth liking. I want to earn enough money that I can get away from everyone....I see the worst in people. I don't need to look past seeing them to get all I need. I've built my hatreds up over the years little by little...I can't keep doing this on my own with these-people. (laugh)."

Snot

I think I am more susceptible to certain people's germs than I am to others. I grew up as a really sickly kid, but have gotten a lot better since then. I still catch colds more often than most people, but I'm no where near as weak as I was as a child. BUT I have noticed that when some of my friends get sick, I will catch it. Doesn't matter what it is. I'm pretty sure that if Landon or Michael had the chicken pox, I would get it too, even though I've had it before. It's not even really a matter of who I spend the most time with, I mean, Ferranto had mono and I spent a lot of time around him, didn't catch it. Darian gets sick and I don't. Same with Sweets. She had shingles and I was her scene partner. No way I shouldn't have gotten it.
I wonder why my body lets in some people's germs and not others. Not that I want everyone's germs, I'd rather not have any, but still. It is a curiosity.

Section One

I feel a fight brewing in these bones. General restlessness and all, I suppose.
Let me try this again.

nevermind

Theft

I stole the idea of a 'double puberty' from Dana.
She just wrote about it and you should read it, it isn't nearly as gross as it sounds, more just an interesting idea. Second puberty being how your body changes into something ready for adult life and child bearing and stuff. Post 'settling down' type stuff.
Pear shaped body and child bearing hips type stuff.

There's nothing wrong with pear shaped. Not at all. A dress size ten is certainly not shameful. These things are adult and shapely and curvy and sexual in a way that I'm not, never have been, and am not ready to be. There's not a single thing wrong with it, I'm just not prepared for what it represents.
I don't want to grow up, I don't want to get old. I feel like I have so much more to do for myself, selfishly, before I can 'settle down', bulk up, learn to cook, and re-produce.
This 'second puberty' represents something beautiful and lovely and life-changing, but I'm a baby...